Paris – A very serious love letter

Hi my very very dear Calvin,

The short mail this early morning was just  a part of what I was thinking about.

Yesterday, I went to bed late. I awoke a first time with the light of dawn. After one hour, I could fall asleep again. For one long hour, I was thinking of u. But like in a bad dream, I was focused on the same question. Can I trust you? How deep is our relationship? How really deep is it, from your side???

So I decided to write this letter, the most important for a long time and I have to do it in English for the first time. It’s challenging. I hope the result will reflect my exact thinking. Even in French, it would be difficult. I don’t know if I can send it to you once achieved. 

I have chosen to be clear and not to hide what I’m feeling. A few years ago, I kept silent  when I was not doing well. It didn’t work. So I change. I want you understand me as I am and I hope your feed-back, of any kind. I’m sure it’s the best way for me to adjust to you and go further if you want.

May be you have the right behaviour. You seem much more quiet, rational and reasonable than I am. Passion is probably dangerous or “unappropriate”. May be I give too much importance to my emotions and I am too much confuse since we met. Am I dumb to show you my weaknesses? Anyway, I don’t want to disturb you with a whimpering mail.

Am I just becoming “crazy” because you are too far from me? I can’t see you, touch you. This contact should help me to quiet down. Sometimes, I’ve thought you tried, by your “distance”, to keep me down.

After all we’ve been together only three times, even if it was so great and intense each time. I’ve felt something special with you. You are smart, sensible. I think we can have strong connections. Being with you was a wonderful moment. I was free, free to be your baby as you told me. I don’t forget how lost I was when I leaved you the second time in KL and the last time two months ago.

Since I came back in Paris . I got through different phases. I’m not so depressed as I was before Christmas. Now, I try to look ahead. I am still wondering what I’m going to do, on the one hand for my job, on the other, for my “personal” life – I mean “with u”. Every day, I’m obsessed by the many options I can take.  I can’t really follow any lead because what I’m looking first, is how I can see u again and how I can be more or less close to you.

At least, I’ve decided to improve my English. This is the first problem I want to start dealing with. So that, first I can communicate more accurately with u, second I can develop enough skill to live and maybe work abroad. Therefore, I’m looking for English training in the next weeks or months.

But the main issue is what ‘s your expectation, what will you be ready to accept and what place can I ever take in your life, beside your work, beside your family? I’m not talking of long term too much uncertain, but of concrete things for today, tomorrow, next month, the next six months, next year.

For the last two months, what struck me is the lack of “time” your artistic life  seems to leave you. Is it time, flexibility, priority, interest or just care? How can I know from Paris ? Whatever the reason, I don’t get (and don’t accept) the few communication you granted me and, in fact, consideration you showed me.

While I’m asking myself so many questions about my (and maybe a part of our) future,  are you asking yourself any question?

Two months since our last meeting. I thought that “keep in touch” would mean building stronger ties. I hoped we could open each other. I was dreaming of getting closer. 

As I wrote this morning in my first short mail. I can’t understand why you failed send me emails. You let me without news, except short sms, despite my repeated requests. Am I hassling you? Am I excessive? At the beginning of this month when you were in and didn’t answer for a while, I was afraid you had let me down. Even if your sweet phone call eased my concerns quickly, I still remains uneasy.

You give me the impression that you are fully involved in your well-organised and busy life. I do understand that it is important for you to be successful in your artistic activities. It’s great for you to have those performances in or in States. I’m proud of your success, truly proud to know you too. I regret you didn’t yet tell me more about your dance and your dancing company. I didn’t even watch you.  I had to search on the Internet with Google to find out very few information about you… Fact is, you are running for your dance, it’s absolutely normal. But I’m wondering if there is any “folding seat” for me beside you. Maybe, you ain’t to be disturbed by anyone.

I can’t refrain thinking of the last time I came in JB. You carefully disguised the fact you couldn’t have any free time to stay with me. I understood it, weeks before. Though, I’ve accepted this way and return from Bangkok , just to spend a few hours with you. I can’t say that I was fully satisfied. I didn’t mind time and money wasted. I missed the full days we couldn’t share together. The main deception was to realize that you played with me. How can I be sure you won’t do it again?

I fear what seems to be your wait and see policy. Let things go on. Let the fate working. If something must happen, it will anyway. Let “Socrate” do the move…

I waited too much in my “previous” life and missed a lot. Time is short. I prefer keep initiative. 

I want to be with you soon.  I don’t want to play a Brokeback Mountain remake and see u once a year for a fishing party far away from our homes.

That’s a part of what I wanted to say (today).

I beg you to reply me with your heart.  (I know you have a good intellect and a strong shell)

Looking forward to hearing from you

Kisses and hugs

Thierry

One more thing -

I’m thinking of States…  When are you going there.? One option (only an option), I clung to : meet you over there  and do an English training for weeks…  If we eventually agree,  I need time to organize everything…